Only Human

Night Caller

OK, so some of the team may have, on a very rare occasion, bumped into an altar boy who'd bent down to tie his shoelaces. This is a perfectly harmless accident which could happen to anyone, but it's been blown way out of proportion by the liberal media.

They'd have us ruin a man's life for one or two mistakes he may - or may not - have made years and years ago, and let's face it, something that happened years ago can hardly be relevent today can it?

These opportunists are bleeding Mother Church dry, and as you know times are hard. We're not as wealthy as we once were, now that the evil, secular, Satanist politcians of Europe have lost their faith.

Now, we in the Catholic Church are nothing if not reasonable. If - for whatever reason - a parish feels they have some totally unfounded objection to their priest, then we can move him elsewhere.

Surely that's enough, isn't it?

Would they really have us dismiss a perfectly good priest, just to satisfy their twisted desires for revenge for some imagined misdeed, when he might still have years of good Missionary work left in him? A few mistakes in a man's past are no reason to undermine the Church.

After all, we're all about forgiveness, aren't we?

The Sodomites

Faggot

Let me tell you, there is no place on God's Clean Earth for abominations like this filthy sodomite. He and his kind attack the very heart of what the Church stands for!

Our Holy Lord Jesus came to Earth from way up high to teach us The Truth, to show us The Way. He died for our sins and to show us that if we love our neighbour and fellow man, we can truly make this world a Heaven on Earth for all good Catholics and their God fearing, guilt ridden families.

But it's people like this who are making a mockery of the Holy Mother Church and it's mission to spread God's Message of Peace and Love around the world. By being allowed to purvey their filth these deviants are spoiling it for the rest of us and they must be stopped at all costs!

Terminate with extreme prejudice!!

Rubber News

Night Caller

A lot of people seem a bit confused by this, as they see Godless Protestants buying those little rubber johnnies and managing to keep enough disposable income to buy new cars and widescreen TV's, and they ask me:

"Pappa, why do we have to keep having children? Why can't we make the beast with two backs whenever we feel like it and not have to worry about having another mouth to feed?"

They seem to find this all very difficult to understand but I really don't see what the problem is. Let me explain.

Contraception is wrong because (a) I say so and (b) it prevents new Catholics being born and (c) it just is.

The use of condoms is a sin, and before all you bleeding heart liberals start crying about AIDS, let me tell you this: if you don't screw around, you don't get AIDS. And if your husband screws around and gets HIV and then infects you, well that's your own fault for not keeping him satisfied at home, isn't it?

If he's getting a proper meal at home, he's not going to pop out for a burger, if you get my drift. I know that Africa is ravaged by AIDS and people are dying by the thousands, but hey! As long as they don't use condoms they'll keep making more good Catholics so we'll win in the end :o)

Taking Care Of Business

Faggot

Oh yeah, baby I'm back! And I'm loving this new incarnation - I think this time we can really make some progress! Yeah, baby!

You know, we've been waaaayyy too soft on those pinko commie fag subversives that want to undermine Mother Church, but that's all going to change. Those softcore "fair weather" Christians over in the Anglican Massive think they're "moving with the times" or "maintaining a contemporary morality" by letting queers in the church.

WTF?!! There is no such thing as "contemporary morality". Morality is an absolute, as decided by me and the guys upstairs and no one else. But then, what do you expect from a bunch of part timers who treat the whole business as some kind of a Sunday job, and who live with women and children. Who the hell do they think they are?!

Well this Timelord is gonna show them how it's done. That's right, dudes. Stay tuned....